recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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