she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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