I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
