Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I have surprise drugs for everyone
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
