I love having hate sex.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
