i love accidental penises.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
