Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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