If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
