and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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