i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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