if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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