When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
