I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
