So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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