i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
now i know why i became what i already was.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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