I only kidnapped one of them. chill
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
