Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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