Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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