I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
