im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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