i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
