why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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