Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
