I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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