just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
dude i'm inner monologue high
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
My vagina just recognized that song.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize