The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
im on a boat
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