Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
