I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
