and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
try to milk me bitch
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