If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
You pole danced in your parka.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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