can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
now i know why i became what i already was.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Sorry about my life...
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
