I didn't shave. On purpose
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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