the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
