my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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