I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Randomize
