so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
