Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Randomize
