two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
