i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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