Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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