chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
