nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
