This girl is more easily done than said...
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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