I don't remember. Are we still dating?
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
