somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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