We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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