i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
