i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
