girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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