3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Randomize
