Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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