She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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