I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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