I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
