I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
