Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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