I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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