We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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