Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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