i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
