just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize