In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
